A few years ago, I hung up the phone after a long day of breaking terrible news to our leaders about the death of someone I loved very much. The moment I received the news of her passing, I kicked into gear. I listed the names of who needed a call, I started a game plan to care for the family and spent my day doing what pastors try best to do: identifying and caring for the needs of my flock.
But as I hung up the phone on the final call, I felt overwhelming grief. Alone in my office, I collapsed into my chair, weeping and filled with loneliness. This wasn’t the first time I felt this when caring for others after a death or tragedy.
This experience is quite common in ministry. As I told ministry students over the years, pastors often cry last, and they cry alone. Pastors prioritize caring for their congregation, often setting their own needs aside. It isn’t a question of Jesus’ sufficiency, but rather a common part of the role. It happens after counseling sessions, after particularly mean comments or after a program feels like a failure. For some, it grows from a gnawing sense that they aren’t doing enough to help grow the church.
A 2023 Barna report highlighted a concerning trend that pastors today feel more lonely and isolated than in the past. A year later, Lifeway Research cited a study showing more than one in three pastors felt frequently alone. Only about one in four reported loneliness to be a rare problem. Yet another recent study suggests pastors of smaller churches are at even greater risk of feeling isolated and alone.
My point isn’t to elicit pity for your pastor; in fact, I am confident they don’t want that. Rather, I hope to raise a bit of awareness and offer a few suggestions.
Your pastor probably won’t tell you if they feel a gripping loneliness, or worse, depression. Both because they are doing their best to serve rather than to be served, and for some, it isn’t a safe thing to admit, as they worry their spiritual vitality may be questioned.
So how can you help?
- First, if you are a leader, challenge your pastor to develop meaningful friendships outside of the church.
- Next, treat your pastor like any other friend. Be curious about their life, invite them fishing or engage them with your circle of friends.
- Pray for them, pray with them and encourage them where you see they have made an impact. By nature, ministry is intangible, and much of what a church measures is more directly controlled by the congregants than by the church staff. Pastors often are blind to their successes.
- Be kind, be generous, be present, be a friend. It likely will mean more than you realize.
Finally to pastors—if you are lonely today, feel free to give me or your district minister a call.
Don’t suffer alone.
Aaron Box began serving as the USMB national director in July 2024. Previously, Box served for 13 years as senior pastor of North Park Community Church in Eugene, Oregon. He has more than 20 years of ministry leadership experience. Box served on the USMB Leadership Board from 2014-2022 and has extensive volunteer experience leading in his local community. Box and his wife, Jennifer, have two children and reside in Eugene.
