Content note: This story concerns miscarriage.
Prenatal checkups made me skittish. After welcoming four healthy babies, I’d had two miscarriages, and this pregnancy felt very unsure. But I was 15 weeks along, had an ample bump to show for it and my husband and I were starting to relax a little. Then, “I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.” Again. For the third time in 15 months, my womb held death.
After the miraculous experience of birthing lively, wiggling, screaming-their-new-lungs-out babies, it was so strange to lie in a hospital bed waiting for medication to kick in so I could labor and deliver our baby’s very still body. So much of it was familiar: the hospital room, the gown, the IV. I recognized contractions and knew I was dilating and that my waters had broken.
My husband and I spent these quiet hours talking and praying about how to think wisely through our heartbreak. We were drawn again and again to the story of Job, where after losing all 10 of his children and everything else he has, he responds to unimaginable loss by saying, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).
God numbers our days, and he numbered our babies’ days.
And like Job, we could either despair in our loss or dig deep into what we know to be true about God; that he is good and we can trust him to always do good things.
Job’s total confidence in the character of God was a soothing balm for our sorrow. Job knew the God of Psalm 139:16 who is the powerful creator of all life, who has each of our days planned before we are born, including the day our hearts stop beating. Job knew God wasn’t surprised by tragic death. And Job also knew the God of Psalm 145:17 who is “righteous in all his ways, and kind in all his works.” Job knew that even though what God had done and allowed to be done seemed so bad, everything God does is ultimately good. That’s what kept drawing us back to the story of Job.
Losing three babies was painful, but we know that God allowed and even ordained it. God numbers our days, and he numbered our babies’ days. And like Job, we could either despair in our loss or dig deep into what we know to be true about God; that he is good and we can trust him to always do good things.
Our son (whom we named Job) was born silently in that hospital, and we were able to admire and grieve him as we held his tiny body. I don’t understand baby Job’s death, but I’m so grateful I don’t have to wrestle with it. God’s unchanging goodness gives me permission to grieve without questions; to rest in his wisdom and kindness, knowing that he always gives us what is best. The very best, in fact. God knows what it is to lose a son because he gave his own son Jesus for us, that we need never despair in loss.
The gospel is proof that God gives us the best. And if I at times forget this because of the brokenness I see and feel, I have the whole of Scripture shouting God’s goodness to me and the chorus of “a great cloud of witnesses” singing it to me, and I am confident that someday, when I stand in his presence, I’ll say, “Ah, I see it now. That was best.”
Editor’s Note: Baby Loss Awareness Week is observed annually October 9-15.
Maggie Halvorsen attends Community Bible Church in Olathe, Kansas, where her husband is a pastor. After their five kids go to bed, she likes to build, read and bake bread.
