I think it’s safe to say that all of us have relational scars after the last few election cycles. The tumultuous divisions over race, vaccinations and polarizing politics were difficult, painful and exhausting.
The lucky among us emerged with proverbial bandage-covered paper cuts. Divisive conversations and heated arguments left others of us feeling pummeled and beaten while some may have lost entire limbs when daggers were drawn.
These wounds tend to feel extra tender when the blows are dealt by those near and dear to us. I know I have friendships that feel forever altered. Without going into too much detail, close family members said hurtful things and exhibited unhealthy behaviors that significantly damaged our relationships. Four years later, we’re doing our best to recover, but I fear some rifts may never heal.
I don’t consider myself overly-political. The most “political” item of clothing I own is probably a Captain America T-shirt. I’m conflict-averse. I don’t willingly enter into tricky conversations over controversial topics. I hope I’m very mild and “middle,” but even for me, the chaos of these years led me to seek therapy and help from a trusted Christian counselor. While those sessions certainly helped, my wounds are still tender, and I still feel the need to walk on eggshells around certain people and around certain topics.
This is hard. While I own my part in some of these squabbles, I did not seek out this level of conflict and division. These battles seemed to come to me, and I was not prepared.
So, while I’m still hobbling through these minefields, I have learned a few lessons along the way. When conflict arises—political or otherwise—wise Christians aim first for understanding, look for resolution (where it’s possible) and always lead with love.
Up-side, down-side
Seek to understand. My pastor once advised our congregation to always “look for the up-side of their side and the down-side of your side.” This stuck with me, and it’s a practice I do my best to remember.
…if relationships are valuable to us, we need to exert some effort to really understand the “why” behind others’ votes.
Like it or not, every political issue is inherently difficult. If there was a clear-cut solution, these issues wouldn’t require oversight or legislation. If we’re intentional and empathetic, on any given issue today we can find at least one argument against our stance that makes at least a little sense. We likely won’t completely flip sides, but I imagine we can muster at least a tiny bit of common ground with the opposing view.
This is a wise starting place. Whether we’re most passionate about abortion, gun rights, border control or LGBTQ issues, I think a wise and kind move is to humanize the opposing viewpoint.
There’s likely a reason why our friends have landed on the “right” or “left” side of a given political issue. Maybe an overly political aunt has a best friend who lost her job and became homeless. Maybe a co-worker’s son is gay. Maybe your cousin can’t afford her monthly medical bills. Maybe your niece had an abortion.
Political issues are always easier on paper than they are in the real world. It can be helpful to really understand a counter-argument if I talk with someone directly affected by legislation. Our individual realities affect how we process difficult issues, and loved ones “on the other side” likely have a perspective we just don’t have.
When we find ourselves in situations like this, let’s listen. Why is this issue so important to them? We all have our own wounds, and political passion often comes from past pain. Even if we have a perfect “clobber” Bible verse and a rock-solid rebuttal against their claims, we should try to find something they’re saying that we can relate to. We should remember people we disagree with could be coming from a place of pain.
This doesn’t mean we have to completely change our stance, but if relationships are valuable to us, we need to exert some effort to really understand the “why” behind others’ votes. This is the kind, loving thing to do.
If possible
Look for resolution, if it’s there. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” I’m grateful we have a Bible verse that addresses the complexity of relationships. Each of those three clauses deserves its own sermon.
The fairytale ending of peace and reconciliation is not always on the table.
The good news is sometimes peace is achievable—even when it seems impossible as we dive into divisive politics. Over these last few years, I have been occasionally surprised to find that I can have meaningful conversations with people I disagree with. There are a lot of people I can live at peace with even when it initially feels impossible.
But not always.
Sometimes, it simply isn’t possible to live at peace with someone who elevates politics above relationships. Sometimes we try—really hard—as far as it depends on us. I’ve been in situations where I’ve prayed, sought wise counsel, taken time to “cool off” and done my best to listen, empathize and compromise—to no avail.
Sadly, some people are just not healthy. They are abusive and so hurt that their default response is to hurt others. The fairytale ending of peace and reconciliation is not always on the table. And that’s really hard when dearly loved family and friends are involved. That pain is unique, and it stings.
In these situations, one healthy thing to do is to set real, specific boundaries. There are individuals in my life who I have told I simply will not discuss politics with for the good of the relationship. We both know where we stand on particular issues, and at least for now, we’re not going to make progress toward a middle, compromising view.
And that’s OK. Because I love these people, I’d rather have a mutual understanding of these boundaries than to never speak to them. This is hard. If a boundary is required, it means—inherently—conflict is nearby. It’s awkward. There are times when silences are drawn out, we both know why, and that’s ok.
If it gets to a certain point, it’s also very likely we simply need some distance from certain individuals. Some people are not ready for peace. Their political platform is more important than their relationships. That, too, is hard. Most relationships are worth fighting for, but some are not. In these situations, it would be wise to get help formulating a specific plan for how we can deal with the texts, emails and awkward in-person exchanges that will come. And then stick to the plan.
It will be excruciating. Get help. Stick to the plan. Do as much as possible, as far as it depends on you. And then, we must do our best to let go.
Love God, others and yourself
Be motivated by love. The Pharisees made a whole bunch of embarrassing blunders during the life and ministry of Jesus, but I am really grateful that one of them was bold enough to ask Jesus a really hard question.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
When we find ourselves in heated political arguments, we must first take the plank out of our own eyes.
Jesus answered this question in a very Jesus way. And I’m so glad he did. This “expert in the law” asked Jesus for one great rule to trump all the others (wouldn’t that be nice?), and Jesus didn’t give him one—he gave him two.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all of your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matt. 22:34-40, emphasis added)
I think an argument can be made that sometimes we love God with “all of our mind” by engaging in difficult, iron-sharpening-iron conversations. Maybe we even “love God” by the way we vote and the issues we choose to engage with.
While I do believe this, I don’t think this is the heart of what Jesus is saying here. Most of the political division I see on TV and in my own life does not look like any kind of love. Sadly, I think a lot of Christians have hurt our collective witness these past years because of a lack of love.
We need to own our side of these conflicts. When we find ourselves in heated political arguments, we must first take the plank out of our own eyes. Or maybe we only have a speck, and they have the plank. That’s OK—take the speck out first. We must make sure we are healthy enough to work through difficult conflicts. We love our neighbor (or our friend or our cousin or our parent) enough to hear where they’re coming from. Listen. Engage. Keep a cool head, and try to work toward peace.
And then, sometimes, for the good of all parties involved, loving yourself might mean setting boundaries. It might look like an apology. Or a confession. Or booking a session with a counselor.
Now that we are in the thick of the 2024 election, the cultural waters are brutal. May we be the kind of people who keep our cool. May we love God first, with all of our strength, soul and mind—all of it. May we love others, hearing their stories, finding common ground and loving despite our differences. May we love ourselves by setting boundaries and sticking to them, with love, humility and grace. This is varsity-level Christianity, but we can do it and the rewards are worth the wounds.
Matt Ehresman has served as the media/graphic design/communications/web/video/social media staff member at First MB Church, Wichita, Kansas, since June 2013. He graduated from Sterling College in 2010 with a degree in graphic communications, and went on to get his master’s in digital media from Regent University in 2012. Before coming to First MB, he worked on a television show for Focus on the Family and in the marketing office at Sterling College. He lives with his wife, Tillie, and their mischievous dog, Jarvis.
