Sam’s story

I was catching a glimpse of Sam’s spiritual fruit report card. Our 10-year-old son, who was afraid of needles, was wide-awake while multiple core biopsies were being taken from the large tumor in his neck. Granted, the doctor and nurse were coaching him well, but Sam’s self-control, courage and trust of the adults in the room was categorically extraordinary. Sam was getting an A in obedience.

When they were younger and Josh and I taught our three children to obey us, we had short-term goals in mind. Goals like, “When you’ve cleaned up your toys, you can watch ‘Curious George?’” Or “If you want more watermelon, eat your zucchini.” (Parenting hack: dipping sauces help.) Little did we know, we were training for obedience in the surgery prep room, the PET scan tube and the oncology clinic, with the long-term goal of survival.

The summer Sam was 10, he found a lump in his neck. It was a lymph node that grew from being something we didn’t need to worry about in July to the top case at the Stanford tumor conference in February. Eight months, 20 biopsies and countless blood draws and scans later, Sam was finally diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma. His large tumor was removed and three more arrived, which were treated successfully with chemotherapy.

If you know a cancer warrior, you know that cancer can be a battle riddled with dread, anxiety, discouragement, pain and many, many needles. This was the battle God assigned to our Sam. But Sam knew God, and that changes everything. Sam consistently asked God for courage and healing and then obediently stepped out onto the battlefield as a warrior, dressed in his “Samwise the Brave” chemo shirt with the zippers that Nana sewed in.

As a Christian wife, mother and children’s pastor, one byproduct of our cancer season is a newfound awareness that the things that matter most in this life are the eternal things. We didn’t care a bit if Sam was in sports, scouts or saxophone when he was in anaphylaxis from an unknown trigger or when he was being wheeled into another surgery where critical work would be performed beside his jugular. No, in those moments, regardless of the outcome, what truly mattered most was Sam’s salvation—that Sam is a follower of Jesus and has eternal life in him.

As our daughters navigated the precarious path of loving a little brother with cancer, they both chose separately, but with such pure unity in the Spirit, to be baptized. That still fills my eyes with tears—that in the middle of that wilderness testing, our daughters proved that they knew what mattered for eternity. Those steps into the baptism tank were milestone steps of obedience closer to the Good Shepherd who had assigned their path. Those spiritual fruit report cards were fridge-worthy.

Sam is now in remission, thank God. We hope and pray that our cancer season is over, but the resulting perspective shift has been life-changing.

As a children’s pastor, I encourage parents as they raise their children to follow Jesus. On this side of cancer, my encouragement for parents is this: Teach your children love and obedience. When we teach our children to love and obey, we start them on the path to choose salvation.

First, a quick caveat: When I use the word “obey,” I’m not endorsing a legalistic, authoritarian, “because-I-said-so” parenting model. Likewise, when I use the word “love,” I’m not endorsing a licentious, permissive, no-boundaries, “we-don’t-use-the-word-no” model. I’m not even endorsing a middle ground between legalism and license. Rather, the way God parents us is the model to follow. Shepherd like the Good Shepherd.

Here are two big-picture parenting strategies I see God using to teach us love and obedience throughout the Bible.

Strategy 1: God gives us the gift of free will.

Because of our heavenly Father’s deep, unconditional love for each of us, he allows us to make choices for ourselves. Choosing whether to follow Jesus is the most important choice set before each of us. We cannot make our children choose Jesus. Technically, we cannot make our children do anything in the long run.

We can, however, train our children to manage their free will through the unforced teachable moments in our daily routines. We can also be humble and transparent about our own free will—our struggles and regrets, our own spiritual-fruit report cards. Our cancer season was full of honest moments, tearful worship and candid prayers with our kids. We love God and each other better on this side of cancer.

Strategy 2: God gives us commands.

In one of my favorite scenes in scripture, Jesus says, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.”  Shortly after that, he also says, “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love…that your joy will be complete” (John 14:23 and 15:10-11).

God’s commands provide healthy boundaries that demonstrate his love. “Commands” is not a popular word, but hear me out. Remember the dipping sauce parenting hack? I think of God’s commands like life hacks from him: “My precious children, because I love you so much, I want to show you how to live really well. I made all of this, so here’s how it was designed to work.” Then when we do life God’s way, it works! And when we don’t, it doesn’t.

Thus, obedience can be described as simply operating according to God’s loving design. It’s agreeing with God. Kids can understand that God sets boundaries and rules in place for our well-being and his care for us is evident in his desire to protect us from harm. Like a toddler who allows herself to be pulled back when she’s getting too close to a camp fire, or a little boy who bravely sits still to receive the medicine from his oncologist, when children develop this skillset of obedience, it’s training for obeying God. His commands are full of love for us.

“Heavenly Father, you love my children even more than I ever could. I see your deep, unconditional love for us in your commands and your gift of free will. My heart’s desire is for my children to love and obey you. I pray that they would choose to follow Jesus all the way home to heaven, and I know that you desire that even more than I do.

“Holy Spirit, please give me your perspective. As you show me peeks of my children’s spiritual-fruit report cards, help me to be watchful and to pay attention to what matters for eternity. Please prepare me for those teachable moments when you show me heart issues in my kids. Keep my own heart soft and humble toward them. Show me ways that I personally still need to learn to love and obey you. I look to you as my Good Shepherd. Teach me how to parent like you, in Jesus’ name.”

Crystal Nachtigall

Crystal Nachtigall is the children’s pastor at Bethany Church in Fresno, California, She and her husband, Josh, have three children.